Someone needs to buy me this book...

The fourth of July weekend was, by far, the most ridiculous weekend the both of us have had in a really long time. We started off on Thursday with Dank's 20-somethingth birthday at SoBe. Whoever thought it was a good idea to start off the night playing Civil War needs to pay for our liver transplants. Here are some highlights from that night:
-My counterpart walks home from the bar wasted and alone.
-I yell at my counterpart's boyfriend for letting her walk home from the bar wasted and alone.
-We take pictures, most of which we do not remember.
-Karaoke

Friday was dedicated to Caitlin's bachelorette party. Decked out in hottie whistles and glowing engagement rings, we started off at Sequoia with dinner. Worst.ginger.waiter.ever. He's lucky the gratuity was already included in the bill. That's all I'm going to say about him. Dinner turned into drinks on the waterfront with shots (or we should say cups) of tequila. Best quote of the night:
-older lady asks us why we have on blinking glowing rings to which Meaghan replys "because we're bffs."

We then walked over to 3rd Edition for some booty dropping. And that's exactly what we did. We decided to leave after Caitlin motorboated one of us for her ID card. Heading back to Dank's house for some late night drinking and passing out, we enter the house to:
-all the shades in the house down
-9 cans of whipped cream on the table
-the smell of baby prostitute looming in the air
-a loan chair in the middle of the living room.

.... this could only mean one thing. STRIPPERS!! The boys had gotten a stripper for Caitlin's fiance's bachelor party. Disregarding what the cans of whipped cream were used for, we each grabbed one and started doing whippets... i'm pretty sure we all got herpes from it. The boys came back from their wild night of partying at Four Courts (pppsshhttt) and played civil war with us.

The boys hated our hottie whistles. The boys were jealous of our blinking rings.

Saturday was the 4th:
-playing washers
-beer ponging
-drinking
-BBQing
-drinking
-fireworks

at the end of the night, the plan turned from going down to the waterfront to continue drinking to going over to Doug's house to burn stuff. My counterpart, her boyfriend and I stayed back at the house - unable to see straight.
that's when we notice the two random people upstairs... trying to hook up in one of the rooms. OH HELL NO!!!
Yelling insues.
The girl was apparently told to run out of the house because the boy was afraid that my counterpart and I were going to kick her ass (we may or may not have said we were going to). The last thing I remember is someone yelling "this isn't a brothel."

So... to recap:
1) my counterpart and I turn into streetfighters we we've been drinking, and
2) hottie whistles and blinking rings are the best investments ever.

I Wish I Was An Oscar Meyer Wiener....

Frankfurter, weenie, frank, wiener....I love hot dogs. Anyone who knows me well knows that a hot dog is the way to my heart. At this moment, I have 14, individually wrapped hot dogs in my refrigerator (I donated two to my counterpart). I even trademarked my hot dog dance that I perform late at night, whilst cooking, ok microwaving, hot dogs. It's a rare treat to witness.

This weekend my obsession took a new turn as counterpart and I drove to Richmond to get hot dogs for lunch, at City Dogs. It was amazing and I would easily do it again! What we won't tell you is that I repeatedly whined/complained to her after leaving that I only ate one.

I can't pin-point the day my love of hot dogs began, but I also associate hot dogs with fun times: baseball games; day/drinking and cookouts; the local town fair; eating my feelings late at night, etc.

Now if only my boyfriend could learn to prepare me deliciously grilled hot dogs and not these (notice the extra char):



He does however, make a perfectly cooked steak with a perfect pink center.

...baby, I will wait for you...

My counterpart and I went to Rocket Bar Sunday night and snagged some seats, well, at the bar. We're sitting there minding our bidness when along comes... wait for it... Elliott Yamin (of American Idol "fame"). A couple things about this situation:

A) He's 5 foot nothing.
B) His teeth were very large.
C) He was wearing a snowcap in 90 degree weather
D) No one I was with believed it was him.
E) He looked perturbed when Frank yelled out "Eliot" and turned back around.
F) No one asked for his autograph/pictures

The most surprising thing about Eliot, besides his Hilary-Duff-Syndrome-Veneers, was the fact that he rolled up with an entourage of 10 people. All big and buff.

Really Elliott? You're not that famous.

ever happen to you?

Ever get your period a day early? Well, that's exactly what happened to me... and I had zero tampons with me. All the girls on the research side of my office were out today so I couldn't ask them for an extra one. And 85% of the girls on the marketing side are pregnant (the other 15% stopped getting periods about 397 years ago). I was S.O.L...

I decided to walk to the gas station down the street... 75 and sunny... heck yes. When I arrive, I go find my travel pack of tampons ($4.00 by the way) and grab a dark chocolate bar (for those who think PMS is a myth, fuck you). As I'm waiting in line, the brotha in front of me turns around and start hitting on me. Dude, I'm standing in line holding tampons and chocolate. Do you really think this is a good time to be talking to me? Uhhh, no. Leave me alone and let me pay for my chocolate... come back to me in a week. Thanks!

a day in the life of angela

After my final this morning I decided to go shopping at Nordstroms. After purchasing some "must have" items, I decide that instead of going to work and heating up my Lean Cuisine, I should probably just stop by the Cafe and get a salad. So I do.

I'm sitting in a two seater booth waiting for my to-go order, when a nice older lady asks to sit and waits with me. So we start chatting it up. I look around and notice that there are only women there... with shit loads of shopping bags... all with strollers. So I say to the lady "have you ever noticed that it's all woman that come here?"

So she looks around and laughs. At this point, I say "I bet it must be really nice to be able to just shop and lunch with your friends."

She looks at me and goes "It's actually really stressful."

What did you just say, lady? There is no way on earth that going to Nordstroms, shopping for anything your husband's money will allow you to shop for and meeting your girlfriends (who I assume are doing the same thing) for lunch a Nordstrom Cafe can be stressful.

So I politely ask, "How so?"

To which she responds, "You know, kids don't like to shop. They always throw fits when you least expect. And then you don't really get a chance to eat because you're always feeding him, or wiping macaroni off his face. And don't get me started on trying to juggle the shopping bags AND the stroller."

What I wanted to say to her was "I bet your kid is a brat." But instead I said "Well, I hope it becomes less stressful."

I mean, shopping... kids... lunch... how stressful can it be? Sounds like a dream to me! Anyone willing to give this to me? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Swine Flu

Click here to see if you have swine flu.

Steal Me This Boy...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gHvATmUsSg

love at first smear

Dr. SilverFox cancelled my "lady" appointment with me this morning. I was a little disappointed to say the least - I had shaved, lotioned, and primped my ass off in anticipation of seeing him. Pathetic, I know. They kindly rescheduled me with an OB/GYN in the same office to make up for this last minute cancellation. Fully expecting a female to walk in, I was very pleasantly surprised when my doctor, Dr. Day, walked in and greeted me. Holy Hell was he cute... even cuter than Dr. SilverFox... taller, bigger build, slightly younger (probably 42ish), deeper voice, and a firmer handshake. I pretty much wet myself on the spot. I was so nervous that I missed out on his first name. Damnit! Our exam goes smoothly... I crack some dumb jokes (I do this when I'm nervous) and then it's over. I'm good to go. Before I leave, I realize that I have forgotten to see if he was married. Upon shaking his hand goodbye, I notice that his hand was ring free... jackpot... but then I got to thinking. Maybe he doesn't wear his ring because his hands are inside vaginas all day? It doesn't matter... I think I'm in love.

New Phoenix

I haven't been this excited over an album release in a while:

Did you know C.H. was Jewish?

My brother told me about this... I cracked my shit up.

thanks for stating the obvious

So I'm sitting in class, minding my own business, when I hear the girl sitting behind whisper to her friend, "she's so tall, I can't see the board."
Well, genius, you have two options:
1) Move to another seat, as I sat my ass down first; or
2) Grow a couple inches.

She didn't do either. Bitch.

Thing I learned this weekend...

-My sister got punched in the face by a dude;
-It's not polite (nor do the parents like) when you call their newborn boy "nutsack";
-The large margarita from Guapo's will put you on your ass;
-70% of jelly bellys are disgusting;
-I'm not the only one who still likes the "Dr. Pepper" lip gloss by Bonnie Bell;
-I love my car;
-I've gone back to my hatred for Taco Bell;
-I could never live in Richmond.

A Lesson in Etiquette...

Last week I attended a dinner at GMU to learn proper table etiquette, here are some tips for you to practice at home:

1. It is still considered polite behavior for a gentleman to seat his female guest or companion.
2. Avoid ordering foods that can be messy or awkward (such as pasta with sauce).
3. Do not order alcoholic beverages.
4. Drink with your left hand so you can shake with your right hand and it is not wet or clamy.
5. Pass the salt and pepper shakers together, even in someone only asks for one. They are married.
6. Do not ask to taste someone else's food or offer a taste of yours to someone else.
7. Bread can be used to sop up food juices on your plate, but use a fork to hold it.
8. Bring up a topic when there is a lull in the conversation - others will be grateful.
9. When you are finished eating, place your knife and fork parallel together on the plate in the 10 o'clock - 4 o'clock position. This will signal the waitperson you have finished.
10. Do not ask for a doggie bag.

Reflecting on what I learned, I am sad to say that the only man to pull out my chair recently is the cute employee at my local Taco Bell. And I would like to report that I passed the dinner with flying colors, however apparently throwing back beers at dinner and yelling out "that's what she said" after our hostess claimed "if it's small enough put the entire thing in your mouth" are frowned upon. I laughed.

this is what the world is coming to

So I'm sitting in the JC Cinema at GMU, waiting to watch a movie for class. The Chinese movie "To Live" depicts the struggles of one family as they endure tumultuous events in China as their personal fortunes move from wealthy landownership to peasantry. In one of the periods of the movie the lead character is forced into the Nationalist Army. In this scence three men are huddled together in a bunker, trying not to freeze to death. One of the men disappears and comes back with blankets and jackets stolen from the deceased. As they are covering themselves and trying to stay warm, that same man brings out a flask of alcohol that he swiped from a deceased General. As I'm watching these men on screen passing the flask around, indulging in one of their greatest pleasures, yet still trying stay warm... I start to feeling sad. Sad because they were cold and alone and tired... but mostly sad because they didn't have a Snuggie. They really could have used one.

say it ain't so

My counterpart is sick... so sick, in fact, that she is contemplating not going to the PCD/Britney concert tomorrow night. It must be serious.

Please sent her way:
-Hot Dogs
-Soup
-Orange Juice
-Cold/Flu Medicine

Thank you kindly!

Who's pretending to be rich?

I have a pool too, also known as my bathtub.

Hands off me lucky charms.

Next to Latin men and Cinco de Mayo, some good white Irish boys and St. Patrick's Day top my list of favorites. This year was no different and as such it was only fitting to properly celebrate at Ireland's Four Field's with my better half Angela and company.

Upon arriving I immediately ordered myself a pitcher of beer to get these shenanigans under way. Included in our group was this one chap, a cute guy but a tad socially awkward. He's the kind of guy that would most likely makeout with his sister, like Angelina's older brother James. A few beers, half a car bomb (that I couldn't finish, but according to Angela I just need to relax the throat) and shot of nuts and berries later, this young lad wanders over my side of the table and makes some small drunk banter as he's slurring and spitting in my face. He tries to make a bet with me where I would win a date with him. And to make it more appealing he enforces the fact that he would "pay for dinner and shit." A) Of course your ass would be paying for dinner B) I need to know upfront what exactly "shit" entails and C) Despite my past history, a few drinks in me does not equal an automatic willingness to date you.

Angela and I decided it was time to go, and stumbled to Arlington to meet up with some friends to celebrate the birth of Richie. Walking from metro to the house, I witnessed the most amazing thing I've seen in a long time. Three guys, acting out and singing along to "Circle of Life." I admit I stopped on their lawn and stared at them for a good 10 minutes through the window.

But perhaps the most memorable part of the night was sitting in Hard Times with Angela singing "Forever" by Jesse and The Rippers.

Letting Go

You all may remember from the original blog that Old Man River and I called it quits amicably. The distance was pretty much the only reason we split. However, like many girls who are still smitten, I didn't offically end things. The idea that we could "still be friends" was a good one to me. And while we did continue talking and flirting and acting like we were still together, we really weren't. And then when we started talking about dating other people (well, more so on his part) I became ill. That's when I knew that I should end things permanently. And I tried... on several occasions... but I ultimately couldn't. The idea of him not being a part of my life somehow made my heart break all over again.

And for some reason, it continued on again. But I started resenting him. And that made it even more difficult. So, with the help of a few friends, I was able to delete everything about him... his emails, his pictures, his name from my FB friends list... but not before I sent him a letter.

I know what you are all thinking... Why? Well, because he deserved one. He was an amazing guy and he treated me like a Goddess... so yeah, I felt he deserved some explanation. So I emailed him a letter telling him why I was letting go of him, and that I still loved him, and that I hoped in the end our paths would cross again. (Don't worry, I wasn't as cliche as "if you love something let it go. if it comes back to you it's meant to be... etc.") It was sweet. And hopeful. And heartbreaking.
And his response was:
"...I wish I could relay my feelings as well as you, but the truth is nothing I think of writing would ever explain my feelings for you. I will end this with, I love you..."

And with that, I gave him one last cry.

my morning recap... in bullet form... for easier reading..

... because it's all about making this easier for you.

-woke up before my alarm
-accidentally used bubble bath instead of body wash... same damn bottles
-spent an hour trying to figure out what to wear with this ridiculous weather change.. which made me late to work
-woo-hoo'd when I saw that the office manager had remembered to refill my favorite coffee flavor (btw - it's Donut Shoppe Coffee by: The Coffee People)
-created some Saint Patrick's Day videos
-literally ran into a really cute interviewee... too bad he's still an embryo
-watched the latest episode of "The Family Guy" at my desk... peed my pants a little it was so funny
-ate a boring Lean Cuisine for lunch in anticipation for date night with my dad... he'll probably let me get an extra taco at Taco Bell (gotta love the PX food court)
-chatted on Facebook

all in all, it was a pretty easy day for me.

Tutti Frutti

Let me introduce you to my European cousin Gunther:



Gunther beleives in only four things in life: champagne; glamour; sex; and respect. And really who doesn't agree with that. He's also a huge pop star:

It's Just Lunch...

My super talent friend Chris needs your votes for the Charleston Film Festival. Go here and vote for "It's Just Lunch." If he looks familiar you've probably seen him in that intense rival basketball scene on "One Tree Hill", or you recognize his bulging muscles from his xyience commericals, or most likely you had John Boyer's World Geography class at VT.

Act your age, not your shoe size.

I have the distinct pleasure of taking 100 level courses at Mason before I start Graduate school there in the fall. One course I have to take is Geology 103. The professor is French - his last name is Pilon, pronounce Pee-lo. And he wears suspenders. God, I love a man who can pull off suspenders... but that's besides the point. There are certain words during his lectures that have given the class several "what the fuck did he just say?" moments: Haiti; isthmus; hispanola; and similarily, just to name a few. But it gets better. There's one word that he says that makes me laugh EVERYTIME... and he mentions it a lot because it's part of our textbook... the word: 3rd. As in the 3rd edition of the textbook... and, being the frenchman that he is, and having a french accent that he does, it comes out as... wait for it... turd.

and it makes me giggle. yes, i'm aware I need to grow up a little.

But this isn't the first time that a professor has made me chuckle during lectures. At JMU, I happened to be in the same Political Science class as the ever so charming Dominic Alexander. And we used to sit next to each other and entertain ourselves. The professor was the epitome of nerd - tall, lanky, and pasty white with glasses and sweater vests. God, I love a man that wears sweater vests... but that's besides the point. During the course of the year, he lectured on presidents, wars, and taxes... more specifically, duty taxes. Yup, that's right... he said duty. And Dominic and I would lose our shit (no pun intended) to the point of one of us having to leave the class... and it was usually him, because I was a good student.

Cuteness overload

Holy freaking adorable....

big gulps eh? well, see ya later

After seeing his dance video below... I was left with only three words:

Marry me, Phil!

Dance Party Phil...

I love ass!

I've never been much of an "ass" person until just recently. And I have to say, I'm highly enjoying it.

There's a particular bartender at Rumors who has one of the best behinds I've ever seen. And he knows I enjoy it... well, because I told him I did (that's what happens when I drink a lot... I say stuff that the sober me would not say). So after I told him how delicious his butt was, he started wearing tighter and tighter pants. I thank him everytime... too bad he's got a girlfriend... and prison tats (or would it be a gang tat? the tear drop under his eye - that means he killed someone, right?)... I'd be all over him.

Then there's a guy in my class at Mason. His ass looks good when he wears jeans... but just yesterday he showed up in a delectable pair of sweats... and they hugged his butt just right. You know what I'm talking about... just the perfect amount of tightness to show his curves and see where his crack is. And he's really smart, too. Which makes it that much better. Too bad he's only a freshman from the boonies... I'd be all over him.

And that got me thinking back to highschool... the first time I actually noticed a nice ass. His name was Ken Munoz. And he had two delicious apple for butts - he had, back then, what Nelly calls today an "apple bottom." It was so tight you could have bounced a quarter off of it. Many of us tried.... many of us failed. Too bad he used to be my gym teacher... I'd be all over him.

So, now that I finally realize what the big deal is about the ass, I'll be at the gym everynight working on some squats... and leg lifts... and lunges.

For the love of banana splits...

Were the nuts necessary?

High Fives Make You Famous....

My dear friend Scary, who I adore and miss, posted this photo of us here. Great memories, almost as good as the time Buskey, who I carried home one Halloween, stopped to show me a manhole and explain, "it's where the ninja turtles live":

to bang or not to bang?

...that is the question.

I have an appointment this Saturday (on Single's Awareness Day) with my friend Anne's cousin, Megan M., to get my "hur did." Apparently she's pretty funky... which is what I'm going for.

But i'm torn... should I get bangs, or not?

Without bangs:

With bangs:

Comments?... Suggestions?.... Does anyone even care?

Murky Date

Michelle and I had a Murky date to drink coffee and do our necessary assigments for class; hers to read and write an outline, mine to read and write a paper. We arrived at our destination with laptops in bags looking for a place to sit. Luckily for us, three men decided to leave as we walked into the crowded coffee shop. We both took our places at the end of the table and procedded to plug our computers into the surge protector.

Immediately upon sitting down, the girl next to me accused Michelle of accidentally unplugging her power cord from the surge protector... which upon further inspection, she did not. About 5 minutes into writing my paper, my computer warns me that I have about 30% battery power left and that I should probably plug my power cord in. Well... it was already plugged in. And the girl next to me told me that she was running on her battery power instead of her computer cord.

Again, Michelle and I looked at the surge protector... hitting the reset button, unplugging and plugging back in all of the cords... eventually two other men join in on the confusion of the surge protector. We looked like that scene in Zoolander when the two male models are looking at the computer and hitting it hoping to get out the "information." It was hilarous. We eventually gave up and continued with our reading and such.... still oblivious as to why it wasn't working and only after deciding that the surge protector was broken.

After about 2 hours, when my computer shut down on my due to a lack of battery power, Michelle got up and plugged the surge protector into the wall.

Thanks for being so smart, Michelle. You saved the day for many at Murky.

My Bloody Worst Nightmare

As you are all aware, no scary movie has ever really scared me. With the exception of a few screams from things jumping onto the screen from out of nowhere (which is, in my opinion, used as scare tactic in really bad movies), I've never actually come out of a movie thinking "holy shit." I thought my luck was about to change last night. Enter: My Bloody Valentine 3-D.

Michelle, Kitty, Kristi and I went to see this flick last night... and while the plot itself turned out to be pretty good, and the ending was unexpected, I was slightly disappointed. I was not scared one bit - but I guess I should have known that would happened. In fact, unfortunatley for my peers sitting next to me, I laughed through the entire thing.

Besides the hotness on screen that was Jensen Ackles, I was sort of annoyed with the film: the 3-D glasses gave me a headache; the ax, bloody jaw, bullets, etc. coming towards us was not quite up to par (I'm hoping Disney's Monsters vs. Aliens will renew my faith in 3-D); the old men in the movie were too old for my taste. But those were nothing compared to what I'm about to tell you. The worst part of the movie was not the bad acting or the obvious fake hearts... no. The worst part of the movie, and you can ask Michelle on this one, was the couple behind us. Not only did they come in late (already a pet-peeve of mine) making all kinds of noise trying to pick out their seats, which happened to be right behind us, but the lady also decided to TRANSLATE THE ENTIRE FILM TO HER BOYFRIEND IN SPANISH!! Serious? Are you kidding me? Kat and Kristi were completely unaware of this as they were both cowering in their seats with hands over their ears and eyes... wussies.

I will say that there was one good thing to come from this movie. The 3-D glasses. Worth the entire 11 dollars (student discount only - don't hate)... you'll probably have to pay 14 for them.

Snuggalicious.

I'm a sucker for infomericals (someone please buy me the magic bullet so I can make dips and pina coladas in three seconds). And I'm pretty sure I juiced in my pants when I saw the "Snuggie." Finally, a product that answered my cold body prayers. No longer would I have to get out from the comfort of my blanket to change the channel, read my book, talk on the phone....and I am just waiting for an outdoor, spectator-sporting even invitation. I placed my order (a 2-for-1 deal, but that has added shipping and handling, however I do get two reading lights) and one month later, I'm still eagerly awaiting its arrival...clearly it's in high demand! In the meantime, I found this amazing site: http://www.snuggiesightings.com to keep my excitement level high. I can't wait to live like these people:

Adventures at the Doctor's Office

I had a follow-up with Dr. SF (silver fox) this afternoon... and this is how it went:

1) Had a 4 pm appointment, didn't actually get called in until 4:45 pm... AFTER the receptionist had closed her station and put the steel window cover up.
2) Nurse Harry started fiddling with the computer when asking me about my last menstrual cycle.
3) Dr. SF comes in looking more dapper than usual and starts checking me out (medically and literally). Tells me that everything looks good... except that there are some "bats in my cave" [boogers in my nose] and that I have a very angry Virginia nose. Prescribes me with allergy medicine.
4) Box suddently pops up on the computer screen saying that I'm due for a HIV test.
5) Start freaking out.
6) Tells me I should do it.
7) Freak out some more... even though I shouldn't be worried.
8) Tells me we should move into his office to discuss some other medications that I requested.
9) Closes his office door.
10) Mild flirting starts. He asks how old I am... even thought my computer records are up that visibly says "27 year old female" on the screen (even I can see it).
11) Jokes with me that he is old enough to be my father. And then looks up and stares.
12) Prescribes me with the medication that I requested even though he "could get fired b/c he's not supposed to prescribe it to anyone."
13) I thank him and say something witty about the on-going superiority wars between doctors and pharmacists.
14) Gives me a sticker of Crush from Finding Nemo. [Yes, I am 27, but I still got excited]
15) I tell him that as much as I like Crush, I enjoyed Squirt more.
16) He looks at me and smiles... then hands me another sticker.. this time, of Squirt.
17) I laugh at the sticker. Again, yes, I'm 27.
18) Dr. SF says "Now, if you don't like this one, then I don't know you as well as I think I know you" and hands me a 3rd sticker of Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow.
19) I start drooling.
20) I go downstairs to wait for my prescriptions.
21) Random older lady with a femullet, who should be wearing a bra but isn't, starts talking to me about her bowel problems and how her doctor, who she finds very attractive but is married, will not give her the medication that she wants because it is too expensive.
22) I tell the crazy lady that she should switch to my doctor because he gave me the medication that I wanted.
23) Asks me who my doctor is.... when I tell her it's Dr. SF, she tells me that he's her doctor too.
24) Starts telling me about her same bowel problems again as if she's telling a different person.
25) I still act interested because, let's face it, she's the type of person who will pull out a shank on someone.
26) Her prescription is called. She leaves.
27) Small hispanic boy comes over san t-shirt and starts smiling at me and waving.
28) He's too cute not to wave back. So I do. Mother comes and takes him... looking at me like I'm crazy. Lady... your child is shirtless in the middle of winter. There's ice on the ground. And you are wearing sandals with socks. I believe you are the crazy one.
29) My prescription is called. Finally.

Welcome Home

...to our real live G.I. Joe.

We missed you!

Let's party!

Ego

Below are lyric's to Beyonce's song Ego....but somehow I get the feeling she is singing about something else:

It's too big, it's too wide
It's too strong, it won't fit
It's too much, it's too tough
He talk like this 'cause he can back it up

He got a big ego, such a huge ego
I love his big ego, it's too much
He walk like this 'cause he can back it up

Horses

I love little kids.... in fact, I hope to become a teacher when I grow up. If you ask any parent out there, guaranteed, they will tell you that part of having children is definitely for their entertainment value. Parents will feed their kids lemons and limes for hours on end just to see sour faces. Or when babies cry, parents will just laugh and laugh, because... well, they can. But nothing makes people laugh more than the stories and artwork children bring home from school.

Below you will read a story written by a little boy. And like many kids would whine when they find their precious school work thrown away... "But das not twash, mommy"... the following story is defintely not trash. In fact, it should be kept for ages and ages, as it speaks volumes of truth...

And without further ado... I present you with... "Horses. "

Table for Two

My brother recently found this picture of Michelle with the love of her life (and mine... and the rest of 1801 N. Adams), Sophia Loren, and dubbed it the "Best Michelle Face, ever."

I love this picture of Michelle. And of Sophia. HOWEVER, I think the following picture documents the "Best Michelle Face" to date. Judge for yourselves.

Now, when I told Michelle that I felt this was her best face to date, she replied with the best line ever... and I quote....

"I was so excited.... like, Jessie Spano excited!"

Speaking of this photo (thanks Freel for finding it), I would like to point out that we are all a hot mess. I, for one, look like I don't belong in the group but am trying to jump in the picture... a la "that guy." Ok, Ok... so it's just Michelle and I that look a hot mess.

A New Resolution...

Every year brings a new sense of false hope and unrealistic self-improvement. Personally, I've never managed to honor my new year's resolutions, but as 2009 was fast approaching, I made my wishlist, that for the first time in 26 years, I plan to stick to:

• break a sweat in a 5k race
• finish my master's degree
• skydive
• learn to whisper
• win the espn "streak for cash"

I thought my list was final, until about 2 hours into January 1st, when I added "never peeing on a nintendo game system" to the list.

I've been witness, and also guilty of some bad drunk decisions (i.e. sprinting home after throwing up in Silver Diner with chicken fingers and honey mustard flying). HOWEVER, never in my life did I expect to see what I did on New Year's. After a pretty low-key night of the typical pregame and walk to Four Courts, we came back after our $20 complimentary champagne toast for continued drinking and grilled cheese sammiches. As everyone was getting ready for bed and starting to pass out on couches, we noticed a girl, who had tagged along with one of our friends for the night, was in the living room and pulled down her pants. We assumed she was changing for bed until it happened...she popped a squat and began to pee...on the floor...in the living room...soaking a sega genesis, super nintendo and nintendo. Fortunately, she managed to make it to the bathroom to throw up. Apparently she only needs a toilet for that.

Fight Club

Shea's Birthday Party
The Park on Fourteenth
Approx. 12:45 am

Preface:
Several of Shea's friends came up for the big birthday bash. Pregame consisted of Civil War, shots of Firefly and asshole - pretty much anything that included drinking heavily as the $9 dollar beers and $15 dollar mixed drinks at The Park were not an option to many. There happened to be a little asian boy (I don't remember his name... nor do I really care) who drank more than his little body could handle.

So here's the story...
Michelle, Kat and I were all sitting down at the table. All of the bottles of liquor had been consumed, but we sat there anyways nibbling on the cheese and cracker plate that came with table service. We were having a great time taking pictures and making fun of white girls dancing when out of nowhere came little asian boy. And, just like in the movies, the slow motion started... he starting to wobble... and then he stumbled right into the table, knocking the GIANT bucket of ice, water, empty liquor bottles, and the half drunk glasses all over the three of us. We all looked at each other... looked at little asian boy... look at our soaked outfits... and without saying anything, jumped up and started charging after him.

We started yelling at him: "F*** you" "You need to leave!" "F*ck this, F*ck that"
The little asian boy was too drunk to even realize that he had done. The entire party was trying to hold the three of us back as we were still charging after this boy and yelling. And that's when the bouncers stepped in. I pointed to the little asian boy and I told the bouncer that he needed to go or else he'll get his ass kicked by a bunch of girls. And Michelle was being held back by her BF. And Kat started cussing at the bouncer telling him that the little asian boy was way too drunk and that she was going to punch him in the face. So he got thrown out.

Shea was pissed off, the three of us look like we'd been pisssed on, and our night was pretty much ruined. Michelle's underwear was completely wet, my jeans were wet, and Kat's cream dress was completely see-thru. Trying to smooth things over, Michelle and I were explaininh to Shea what had happened when I turned around and saw Kat running away. Thinking she was kicked out, I grab Michelle and told her we were leaving. We ended up walking out only to find little asian boy still wobbling, trying to call his friends (none of whom answered) with no sign of Kat.

I called Kat on her cell where she proceded to tell me that after she finds Kristi she was going to go back in and punch Shea in the face and then find little asian boy and punch him in the face, stating "No one f**ks with my family!" I was sure I was going to get a phone call from the police that night.

Not wanting our entire night to be ruined, Michelle and I cabbed home and drunk texted while waiting for cheese fries at SD.

Why I'm Single.

Marilyn and I went to visit RamRod at UJs one Friday night to have a drink. One drink turned into 6 and the next thing we know, we're standing in the middle of the dance floor watching white girls try to drop it like it was hot. Not a pretty picture. It was only 11:15 when we decided to head home... damn. Old asses.

We parted ways at the Ballston metro - her going towards East Falls Church, me going towards Clarendon. As I'm sitting on the bench next to a couple who couldn't keep their hands off of each other, a group of guys approached me and asked me to take their picture. The one that handed me the camera was, from what I could tell, very attractive. Pretending that I was somewhat camera illiterate, I carefully zoomed in onto the boy and realized that he was, in fact, VERY attractive. After casual converstaion and the exchanging of numbers, I walked to 7-11 and grabbed a Gatorade (yes, JUST a gatorade).

Here's the run down:
5'7'' ( too short)
athletic build
milk chocolate skin
grey eyes
straight white teeth
smelled like heaven
major bling in both ears
name = Terrell

He finally texted me while I was in SanFran. Pet peeve #1. If you want to get to know a girl, call them, don't text.
First line of the text: Hey Sweetheart, it's Terrell.
Pet peeve #2. Guys that call random girls sweetheart. Don't do it.
This guy was over before he had even started. But, being high off of the SanFran salty air, I politely told him I would call him when I can home... in a week.

I never called. But he did... well, he texted. And I was at work and completely bored, so I humored him in a witty banter.

Here's some more about him:
He was 23 (ugh, too young).
He lived in Hoodbridge.
With his parents.
Part-time bagged groceries at the commissary (pretty lucrative actually)
Called me a cougar when he found out I was 27.

And then... just as I think it couldn't get any worse:

Terrell: So, do you have any kids?
Me: No. Do you?
Terrell: I may or may not. You can never be too sure with these skanky girls nowadays.

Click.

We're a little late on the "New Year" thing...

New Year = New blog.
We should mention that it's a blog on everyday life... not like the last one, unfortunately.
But, it'll be just as entertaining, we can guarantee you that much.
So sit back and enjoy.